TOP 10 gayest black metal pictures

[uk goon]

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics4/bm/bm11.jpg
Abbath rivals Satyricon for #1 most ridiculous BM pic!

Just when you thought the black metal pics couldn't get more ridiculous, Abbath unzipps his fucking pants! Holy Mother of God this is horrible! Apparently he did the entire photo shoot with his fucking fly down. He's covering his crotch in the number 2 picture, but here, in all of his unholy glory, Abbath bares it all for the fans. Seriously, he may as well have done the picture nude. I just don't get it. I mean, the axe is bad enough, but this just flat out destroys the attempt to be evil. I think this might be the first instance where a black metal icon has posed in a provocative, sexually inviting manner. Abbath, dude, you're not gonna get the ladies with this one!
#10

IT

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics4/bm/bm10.jpg
IT (Abruptum/Ophthalamia) in one of his Via Dolorosa-era photos cleans up in the #10 slot. Does Sweden have Indians? He looks like a fuckin' black metal Comanche! Or better yet, John Rambo. After all, he's in a cave with a large hunting knife, but by the way that thing is glowing, you'd think Orcs were near. Go black metal Frodo, go!
#9

Fenriz

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics4/bm/bm9.jpg
Fenriz (Darkthrone) is probably the most dramatic of all black metal-ers. In almost every choreographed photo, he's either kneeling in the woods, got his arms outstretched, or is looking into the sky, no doubt cursing Jesus for not giving him enough money to record a decent album.
#8

Gorgoroth

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics4/bm/bm8.jpg
Wait, are those suspenders? Oh, fuck, you gotta be kidding me. And he's got his hair in a ponytail. Not only that, but I beleive he's carrying a scyth. He's a fucking black metal farmer! Jesus Christ this picture is gay. What's up with the hooded avenger in the back? And who is that goliath motherfucker? Holy shit that guy is huge! Don't fuck with Gorgoroth man!
#7

Old Man's Child

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics4/bm/bm7.jpg
Damn right these guys look old. They're all fucking bald! Did Crowbar turn into a black metal band when I wasn't looking? Apparently baldness has found a niche in the black metal scene. It's ok to be bald if you're in a black metal band because being bald evidently means you are evil. And don't wear your own band's t-shirt to the fucking photo shoot dude, that's just a metal fopaux.
#6

Dark Funeral

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics4/bm/bm6.jpg
Don't get me wrong, Dark Funeral is the shit. But this photo is not. Actually, I should say they were the shit until David Parland took off. Anyway, Lord Ahriman is fucking fat. Notice his belly hanging out from under the leather daddy vest. His generic, upsidedown cross-shin guards are pretty fucking absurd too. What's up with the bondage theme anyway? How about those chains on the ground? It's obvious that the band is going to tie up and fuck the guy on the left. He's already waiting with his hand on his crotch. Hell, maybe this should have been number five.
#5

Dimmu Borgir

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics4/bm/bm5.jpg
The bald guy makes this picture #5, hands down. This is some serioulsy shoddy corpse-paint on everybody, especially for a photo shoot. Look at the bald guy. Just look at him! Is that supposed to be intimidating? He looks like a fucking alien! As with Cradle of Filth, Dimmu Borgir's pics have gotten more ridiculous with time, i.e., the presence of top- hats, vampire teeth, capes, etc. Terrible!
#4

Dani

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics4/bm/bm4.jpg
Dani from Cradle of Filth comes in 4th only because he is so incredibly gay. First of all, there is no black metal band that has sold out quite like Cradle of Filth. Secondly, there is no other black metal band that loves to have pictures taken of them as much as Cradle of Filth. And lastly, Dani always has to be doing something stupid and/or gay in virtually all of the band photos. Why? Well, he's obviously watched Interview With a Vampire one too many times. The theatrics just need to stop. This is one of his few un-photoshopped pics. STOP IT! Also, Cradle of Filth is from Helsinki, Sweden.
#3

Immortal

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics4/bm/bm3.jpg (http://sanctum.bowrd.com/)
What exactly is going on here? Is this the new WWF tag-team? Demonaz looks like he's ready to swan-dive off the turnbuckle. And what is that leather guard holding his gut in? He's been drinking too much Smirnoff Ice (That's what they drink backstage by the way). Abbath looks like he just saw the fucking boogey man and doesnt know whether to run or stay and shit his pants.
#2

Immortal (Again)

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics4/bm/bm2.jpg
Immortal take the number two spot with this pic, and for good reason. LOOK AT THOSE FUCKING SHIN GUARDS! Since when did Satan have his own ice hockey team? Horgh wins #2 for the evil goalie look. But that's not all. What about Abbath's weapon!? What the fuck is that? It looks more like the Bat Signal than an axe. I just don't know what to think actually. Last, but not least, is Iscariah. The leather pants. The chainmail. The belt that turns said chainmail into a skirt. Ask Jonny, but I think Bennett developed that look in Commando. The only reason why this photo didn't make #1 is because of the lack of taxidermy.
#1

Satyricon (Nemesis Devina)

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics4/bm/bm1.jpg
This is the most ridiculous black metal pic for three reasons. One, the stuffed eagle. C'mon guys, you're not fooling anyone. Two, Nocturno Culto, who is notorious for taking tacky black metal pics. And three, for Frost's homemade arm bands complete with 10" carpentry nails. Seriously, it looks like he punched a fucking porcupine to death. Not to mention his tight spandex pants. That's not very black metal. Or maybe it is...

[AWESOME J]

my favorite black metal band is Living Colour
second is Body Count

[unknown]

hahahahahaah

[Alien]

That was actually pretty funny

Since when did Satan have his own ice hockey team?

[One_Twisted_Fuck]

where the fuck did you steal this thread from uk goon? and dont try to tell me that you wrote all that shit...

[Catfish Hunter]

Since when did Satan have his own ice hockey team?

That was actually pretty funny

Yeah, as funny as the photos are, most of these descrptions are about as funny as the holocaust.

[Alien]

It's all relative

[uk goon]

i didnt write that shit, i think black metal is gay as fuck and not very talent-filled

[Catfish Hunter]

They're no less talented than the average rapper.

[uk goon]

They're no less talented than the average rapper.

no doubt, 90% of rappers are fucking awful

[Catfish Hunter]

Most of these guys just look like they're ripping off King Diamond.

http://images.musicclub.it/foto/ki/big/KING_DIAMOND.tif.big.jpg

[Sardu]

when i saw this thread i immediately thought of cradle of filth, use to kinda like their shit but nowadays if i seen them dressed like that i just walk up and smack em in the face

[Element 115]

Dimmu Borgir

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics4/bm/bm5.jpg
The bald guy makes this picture #5, hands down. This is some serioulsy shoddy corpse-paint on everybody, especially for a photo shoot. Look at the bald guy. Just look at him! Is that supposed to be intimidating? He looks like a fucking alien!

i enjoyed that one

[ChristCrusher]

Its from ruthlessreviews.com, heres part 2.

================================================== ======

THE OTHER) TOP 10 MOST RIDICULOUS BLACK METAL PICS OF ALL TIME by


Mike From Hobart (http://ruthlessreviews.com/team/mikeh.html) Presents:
http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics4/mikehobart1.jpg (http://ruthlessreviews.com/team/mikeh.html)

It has been about one year since the release of the original Top Ten Most Ridiculous Black Metal Pics (http://ruthlessreviews.com/top10/10blackmetal.html), and it is just as popular as ever. Despite the endless cascade of praise, criticism, and death threats -- and the fact that Horgh has become the patron inverted-saint of Ruthless Reviews -- I’ve been reluctant to compile another list. But, alas, the demand is just too high. And so is the volume of totally pathetic source material. So, with some help from the Ruthless Forum Black Metal Horde (http://ruthlessreviews.com/forum/viewforum.php?f=10), I proudly present:
(THE OTHER)
TOP 10 MOST RIDICULOUS
BLACK METAL PICS
OF ALL TIME

2005 Edition

How Mike Got It Down To Just 10 (Again)
We Will Never Know

#10

Dani Filth

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics5/bm2/bm10.jpg Weighing in at #10 is our good friend, Dani. Yeah, yeah, we all know Cradle of Filth isn’t black metal -- they're more a retarded version of Marilyn Manson aimed at really sexually frustrated teenage losers -- but I say tough titties!! I’ll be damned if that isn’t the most angst-ridden, irritable bowel grimace I’ve ever seen. Is that a cold sore on his lip? Oral herpes? Fuck, what is that!? The microphone, as displayed, is clearly a homage to the mighty phallus. You would think he’s preparing for a blood-curdling banshee wail, when in fact he’s going to plunge the faux-cock directly into the hole of his fishnet Spider-Man shirt in a gesture of unprecedented homoeroticism. Carry on, Dani.
#9

Rob Darken
(Graveland)

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics5/bm2/bm9.jpg Look everyone; it’s Rob Darken, the black metal Mongolian warlord with fuck-me pirate boots! Jesus... Genghis Horgh, man. Nobody LARPs quite like Rob, and I mean nobody. He’s probably got enough LARP gear in his closet to reenact the battle of Helms Deep (http://ruthlessreviews.com/movies/t/twotowers.html) for fuck’s sake. He’s also black metal’s biggest racist idiot -- which is a hell of an accomplishment. I should do a Top Ten Most Ridiculous Rob Darken pics. Could he have possibly found a more half-assed hodgepodge of garments to wear? It must’ve taken him hours to put all that shit on. I hate to say it Rob, but shoulder pads + fingerless gloves = GAY. Also, where's the fucking parrot? Half-assed black metal pirate dork....
#8

Immortal
(Undisputed Champions of Ridiculous BM Pics)

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics5/bm2/bm8.jpg Man, Horgh is just flat out tubby; there’s no two ways about it. That gut-guard is about to burst, and when it does, watch out for a lethal barrage of flying metal studs. You can’t see it in the picture, but his right armband has HORGH written on it, which fucking rules! And what on earth is Abbath doing? What kind of pose is that? It looks like he’s about to be hit by a bus and Horgh, unable to rescue him, is on the sidewalk screaming, “Nooooooooo….” Maybe he thinks he's in some black metal version of The Matrix (http://ruthlessreviews.com/movies/m/matrix.html) -- Bullet Time Abbath. One of our Ruthless brethren put it best when he said, “If a man has grown tired of Horgh’s nipples, he has grown tired of life.” The best part is that Immortal isn't even a band anymore. These two just get together for photo shoots. Jesus... Horgh should just go pro wrestler and get it over with... Bam-Bam BigaHorgh...
#7

Handful of Hate

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics5/bm2/bm7.jpg Wow! Look at these fucking guys! This might not be the most ridiculous, but it sure is the most misleading. And by "misleading," I mean super-duper uber gay! I just have so many questions. When did Glenn Danzig lose twenty-pounds and join an Italian black metal band? Does the guy on the left have spikes coming out of his fucking back? And if he does, like, what? And what’s with the fucking meat hook? Is that Cher on the right? Because there is no way in hell that’s a man, not with that hair. I think they’ve all got something planned for the little guy, and it involves those chains, a studded belt, a bottle of lube, and that rusty meat hook. Or worse.
#6

Galder
(Dimmu Borgir)

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics5/bm2/bm6.jpg I’ve never seen anyone in the black metal world make as many fucking annoying faces as Galder. Whether it’s on or off the stage, he is perpetually making a fool of himself by grinning, snarling, pursing his lips, sticking his tongue out, or widening his eyes. It’s as if he’s in a constant state of surprise. Perhaps it’s because he can’t believe that he still plays in the awful, awful, Demon Burger. And what the hell is his shirt made out of, melted crayons?
#5

Vrangsinn’s Ass
(Carpathian Forest)

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics5/bm2/bm5.jpg Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit! Vrangsinn got back! If you’ve seen these guys live, you’d know they are totally tongue-in-cheek, (Vrangsinn saunters around the stage in a pair of black speedos) but I never expected to actually see the cheeks! My freaking eyes! That is the flabbiest, cottage-cheesiest abomination of the flesh I have ever witnessed. It looks like a giant slab of weathered and pitted marble. Only Satan himself knows what foul contents have been purged from those unholy haunches, especially after night of drinking cheap beer. Rad! And what the hell could Natte possibly be doing? Taking core samples?
#4

Maniac
(Mayhem)

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics5/bm2/bm4a.jpg
http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics5/bm2/bm4b.jpg Maniac slides into #4 for two obvious reasons: (1) His new pseudo-mullet hairdo is anything but metal; he looks older than my fucking dad. (2) That Shredder-style, spiked armguard with a pig’s head impaled on it might be the lamest black metal prop ever. Did he do the entire show with that on his hand? Looks pretty cumbersome to me. Anyway, how about the necrobestialerotic faces he’s making? I like the way he kicks out his hip in the first pic, showing off for the cameraman who is surely beating his cock raw to all of this. I mean, is that supposed to be sexy? Or tough? Or unholy and grim and inverted? Also, nice pants asshole. Old Navy was having a sale? Next...
#3

Children of Finland

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics5/bm2/bm3.jpg These guys can’t be older than 15. Only one of them has sufficiently long hair and unfortunately for him, he looks like a fucking rodeo clown. Listen kids, to do this right you’ve got to cut back on the white and add more black; black lips only make you look like a faggoth. You need some around your eyes to look evil. No fucking top hats and no In Flames shirts, unless you’re aiming for the Demon Burger look. Which is bad. Additionally, no god damn black fingernails either! The teenaged Mexican Slayer kids in Los Angeles would fuck these guys up and then some -- weak! And who’s that little shit in the back and what the fuck is he doing? Somewhere in Finland, there is a father that needs to take the flat side of a broadsword to his child’s behind. The future of black metal is doomed. Wait, there is no future of black metal...

*hangs head in defeat*
#2

Vulture Lord

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics5/bm2/bm2.jpg Wait a minute, since when was it cool to have a fucking gimp in your band!? A BLACK METAL GIMP!! Not only that, but a gimp with homemade armbands that would make Frost jealous. He’s even got a chain around his neck! The whole fetish/bondage theme is taken to unparalleled heights here. Do these guys work at a hardware store? Also, check out that inverted bovine femur cross!!! God damn!! Trondr’s dull hatchet looks about as threatening as Abbath with his pants unzipped. These guys are too much. Tell me, what good are the bullet-belts without fucking guns!? The only reason why these guys didn’t make #1 is because...
#1

Høst
(Taake)

http://ruthlessreviews.com/pics5/bm2/bm1.jpg
Rock out with your cock out!! Really, why say anything else? This photo encapsulates the best of what black metal has given us over the years. The poor guy’s cock n’ balls ripped through his pants, yet in the true spirit of evil, he just kept on rockin’. And why shouldn’t he? Forget the spikes and chains because your cock is as metal as it gets.

[peccavigore]

hahahaha, this shit is mad jokes.

[acidhouse]

The second one of Dani struck me as the worst, I've never liked COF's dress style. But being the first vocally harder band I listened to, hope he doesn't get too upset.

[ChristCrusher]

http://img9.imagepile.net/img9/397live_30032001_02.jpg (http://img9.imagepile.net/)

[Element 115]

keyboardists are always the wackest member of the band

[Digital Christ]

Holy shit this is some faggotry !

If I ever encountered someone dressed like this on the street I'd either go into convulsions laughing or punch them in thier throat,,,,,maybe both.

Ronnie James Dio hangs his head in disapproval,,,,

http://www.rockdetector.com/assets/resized/img/interviews/4/1dio-0-200-0-300.jpg

[dj 2way]

this was pretty funny

[Revenant]

http://img9.imagepile.net/img9/397live_30032001_02.jpg (http://img9.imagepile.net/)

What the fuck!?!

lol!!! Why would anyone pay to watch this?

[Alien]

^^who are they and where can i buy their album?!?!?!

[ChristCrusher]

^^who are they and where can i buy their album?!?!?!

http://www.turisas.com/

[Tone Space]

those are rather gay.

[Streetie]

Rock out with your cock out!! Really, why say anything else? This photo encapsulates the best of what black metal has given us over the years. The poor guy’s cock n’ balls ripped through his pants, yet in the true spirit of evil, he just kept on rockin’. And why shouldn’t he? Forget the spikes and chains because your cock is as metal as it gets.

[Eaton Purx]

Hahaha this thread is great! I'm happy to see that none of those 20 pictures were of King Diamond....I woulda been pissed. He basically pioneered everything those queers in the above pictures are attempting to pull off.

I think goth is pretty suspect in general. Bunch of pale ass kids that always look sad and upset. Dressed in all black and a bunch of embarassing knick-knacks....pretty gay if you ask me.

[Element 115]

I think goth is pretty suspect in general. Bunch of pale ass kids that always look sad and upset. Dressed in all black and a bunch of embarassing knick-knacks....pretty gay if you ask me.

oh its completely homo but i wouldn't say it's anymore gay than the kid that puts a bandaid on his face cuz he saw nelly do it on MTV.

[PAI-MEI]

i like black metal but ive not keen about the dress its supposed to be evil like this:
http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/9396/bandphotoca4.jpg
http://img407.imageshack.us/img407/4527/logoiiisc8.jpg

[ChristCrusher]

Black Metal Ist Krieg!!!!!!!!11111111

http://i18.tinypic.com/4z21wkz.jpg